For the past three years I have been trudging along through my PhD program.  Ok so trudging is the wrong word.  I have been excelling! I have won poster presentations, teaching awards and passed my qualifying exam with flying colors.  I went from representing my department as a graduate student representative to representing the graduate students of my campus.  I have run, albeit slowly, several half marathons and loved every moment of them.  I own an cute little home, have a host of pets that I love and a ton of glorious friends whom I could never live without.

So what’s the problem? I seem disgustingly put together….

Well my problem is me.  I tell myself multiple times a day that I’m just not good enough.  I’m not doing enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not a good enough pet owner/home owner/friend.  It gets exhausting being so crewel to myself.

My motivation to do anything has waned.  My psyche needs an umph!  To do this I’ve been trying a few things.

Therapy has been an amazing help.  I’m starting to catch myself when the pummeling begins.  I can stop now and say  ”Hey is this really necessary? Must you be so mean to this poor girl? What did she ever do to you?” and although the Therapy has greatly helped my mental health, my motivation is still at a low.  So next Thursday I’m going in to the psychiatrist to get accessed for a need for medication.  I’m not expecting that popping a pill will fix all of my problems.  I’m just hoping that some of my prior motivation will return.

Besides all of that I’m trying to simply wash my dishes, take my dogs for walks and return emails on a timely bases.

Here’s hoping! Welcome 2012!

My Mom was 30 years old when she was pregnant with me.. 31 when she had me.  I don’t think I could be responsible for a child… I can’t even keep enough greens for my bunny.  I can’t even study for this stupid HUGE test that I need to pass!! Or practice my presentation for tomorrow…

Will I also be a person who flies by the seat of her pants? Never planning/ studying/ organizing…. no hard work? always doing what’s easy… According to my therapist I am not living up to my values.  I value intelligence and hard work…. but that’s not what I do…

Ah well maybe I should head back to Lois and Clark.  If I’m lucky maybe some of that drive will sink in and I’ll start studying…. Or a gorgeous man in blue tights will show up at my door!

My darling friend Beth, of Avenue Z writing solutions, spoke at the Fancy Food Show in San Francisco.  I couldn’t get my lazy butt out of bed and on to BART early to see her speak but, I was able to join her for round upon round of fancy food tasting.  It was delightful!

There were a few trends that were noticed – I noticed two main ones

1) Sea salt on chocolate— every chocolate vendor not only had these tasty morsels but recommended you try their new flavor.

2) Bacon – I had a maple bacon marshmallow which I toasted before eating, bacon chocolate, bacon popcorn and bacon infused caviar.  I even had BACON itself.  Lovely!

There was also flavored popcorn, flavored crackers, bison jerky, BBQ sauces… actually mainly sauces for everything…

A few stand outs in my book….

J-Burger – It’s a wonderful sauce that you add to ground meat and it tastes WONDERFUL! It’s like you’ve added the A-1 sauce to your meat!! YUM

Truffle Salt – I carried around a spoon and ate it plan with my finger …. this was also combined with truffle butter… ohhh so good!

Jamon cerado – They had the pig leg and everything! ohhhh I haven’t tasted the lovely salty goodness of cured ham in a long time. ( This booth also had pickled muscles!!!)

Cucumber water – lovely and refreshing after hours of eating and eating

and of course THE CHEESE—– Gorgonzola, Pecirino, Brie, Gouda, arugula Parmesan— so very very good!  Countries were there so I spend quite some time devouring Italian cheese… ohhh so very very good!

Of course after this all of that lovely food congealed in my poor stomach and the Twillings Mint tea was a much needed  distraction….

ahhh so very wonderful and what a wonderful day.

It did make me wonder about people who walk around and say YES I’ll take this chocolate pretzel and not that one.. or this olive oil would be perfect for dipping but THAT one is out.  How would you even begin to tell anything apart after all of that food stimulation.  At the end of the day I couldn’t tell an olive from a petite fore.

However, this is what you do in large conferences in scientific meetings.  You can’t possibly see and absorb everything in those large rooms.  It’s also what I need to do when reading scientific literature.  A divide and conquer technique needs to be used in order to slowly absorb all the needed information.  Then you decide what you should be reading.  A paper on cellular mechanism verses and epidemiology paper. Salted caramel versus Salted dark chocolate.

If only reading was like eating… on the plus size reading doesn’t leave you needing a shot of  pepto bismol after!

The one thing I would have added was pickles… Where were the pickles???

As I settled back into the grind of painting… which I truly hate doing… I contemplated the use of priming a room.  You put a thin layer of white paint and cover up the mistakes of the previous colors, giving you a clean surface to work with.  Wiping away the past.

Not only are you clearing the past but you’re prepping for your new color.  With the fresh white coat you can ensure that the color you’re picked will be show cased to the best of it’s ability and that the number of coats will be limited to one coat of pure vibrant color.

So as I grudgingly primed my little crappy room I thought about how I’m priming myself for life.  I am laying down the ground work for my future scientific career.  The many hours I spend reading, the time I spend dosing piglets with anti-androgens, the negotiations with my professor and the bending to make sure everything works… all this will make me.. whatever it is that I end up being.

So I will prime away.. both my house and my life!

What did I do?  I pretended it didn’t exist.  I even told him that that night didn’t exist and it never happened.  He had no clue what I was even talking about.

What should I have done.  What would have been a more honest solution to this pathetic situation?  Saying ‘Goodbye’ would have been better.  I should have been strong enough to say ‘ I’m love you but you don’t feel the same… this has been a wonderful 9 months but I have to say Goodbye’.   ” I have to say goodbye because I care about myself to much AND I care about you to much to stay while you don’t love me” ” I deserve someone who loves me and someone I can love… openly”

So I change my previous statement… What I would have done is said goodbye.  I would have been horribly crushed and those 3 extra months I got to spend with ‘Mr. Perfect’ would not have existed.  However, a little bit of pain would have been worth my self esteem.  I would have been able to believe that I was worth someone who loved me.

That needs to be a mantra if I ever date again… ” I DO deserve someone who loves me!”

As unpleasant as this wake up call was I had to reflex back  on my year and really take it as a wake up call.  How did I get here?  Why would anyone feel this was an acceptable way to wake someone up, someone they wished to con into having sex with them.  How did I get into this and how can I NEVER be in this situation again.

300 lbs did make my list of random hook-ups within the last year.  I was sad, he was there, obviously not picky.  This is where the situation began.  I love random kissing! I love everything about kissing. Lips and tongue and arms and noses. Yes noses

However, my love of random kissing has lead to waking up with the view of 300 lbs of naked.

New plan!  Random kissing is to fun to not do.  This year I will embark on smart random kissing! Kissing of men that I am attracted to.  That is the first part of the plan!  The second part of the plan is be very clear about my wants.  I want to kiss you.  I never want to have sex with you.  I want to enjoy this night.  I never want to see you again.

Being clear will solve my problems in the future! I hope…

When I re-read this post a year from now I’m going to hope that I’m not shocked at how similar my two years were!!!!

I wish I had said it.  When I felt it.  I wish I had no texted it at midnight while he was riding home on a train.  It would possibly have caused an earlier break up then desired.  I was not being honest with myself at all.  I didn’t speak up because I was scared silly that he didn’t feel the same.  9 months with nothing… not a word..

I didn’t say anything for fear he’d flip out and take off. No shock when I did open up he did flip out and take off.  However, that is a different story…

This story has nothing to do with the guy… This is about that fact that I wasn’t able to be honest about something so very important to me.  I wasn’t able to say ‘I love you’.  So I was with someone I loved and didn’t feel comfortable saying it.

Now my therapist says… What would have helped you open up?…… Uhhhhh….. Maybe had I been honest with myself? Realized that it sucked being with someone who I couldn’t be honest about my feelings with….

Maybe had I realized that it would feel so much better to open up and be honest… although in the end it didn’t really feel any better.

So in the future what would I like to do.  I would like to be honest with my feelings… No matter what… no matter what happens I will be honest because my experience is important too!   My feelings were important to me.. even if they would have ended everything.  I have to realize that an ending is not necessarily a problem.  That disconnect is not the worst thing.

It feels like the worst thing!  Looking someone in the face and being so honest about something they really don’t want to hear.  He really didn’t want to hear that yet another girl had fallen for him.  I knew that.  In honesty I knew he wasn’t interested in anything I felt..

Was it self preservation or fear?  I’m going with fear.  All of the other guys I”v said it to have been friends. So it was easy.  I say it to my friends easily.  What if I can’t even say I love you again?

NO… this is silly… change the terminology…. I will in the future be able to say it… even if there is fear of disconnect!

I feel a tightening in my chest just thinking about it.  I can feel my stomach  mclenching.  Crazy nervous!  Strange that a visualization can make you feel so much……

I wish I had said I Love you…earlier….

This is where all of my frustrations begin! I am crazy messy and if could spend an hour a day to do laundry, mop the floor, or do the dishes, my cozy little house would not be so un-welcoming.    I’m to run a half marathon in January.. am I training? NO.. I can’t even go run a mile.. I have to force myself! I enjoy it afterward, love it in fact…. but to get myself to do it is hard…

UG!!

So now I’m trying to write… just a page…

This is that commitment thing I was talking about.  I need to commit to writing this assignment! Commit to writing this thing BEFORE 5 pm tomorrow!

Okay going to write… maybe a grilled cheese and tomato will help the process…

Did I mention commit to weight loss??

UG

But as per usual Drunk Erin = Flirty Erin  and that leads to Sluty Erin…..

This is not my problem…. it was fun to drag some guy back to my house ( well he drive but….) and happily have my way with him. The sex was forgettable, nothing to exciting but nothing horrible.  So there was the forgettable tussle and then a happy drunk Erin fell asleep…. But apparently Mister forgettable couldn’t sleep or didn’t sleep or whatever… At 6 am He became Mr. Chatterbox… bla bla bla Ocean… bla bla bla breeze.. bla bla bla bla bla.. nothing was important or interesting or thought provoking .. just talking.  Now I understand.. this poor guy was stuck in my house, got his sex and now just wanted to go home!  He was dependent on me to drive him back to his truck so was strained.  Seriously though enough with the constant verbal drool…

I tried sex to get him to shut up but nothing worked.  The only way to shut him up was to drag my self out of bed at 7 am and take him back to his car.

In truth most people don’t have anything interesting to say.  Yours truly included.  Yet we have figured out how to display the unremarkable thoughts, this verbal droll, these nonsensical thoughts for other unremarkables to read.  Who cares what Big Jim thought about the latest football game or Susie Ann’s new knitting project.  Even my endless chatter about my insipid problems are not necessary for people to read… is it helpful to talk and hope that someone listens? Even if what your saying means nothing?  Are people so lonely that they need to say something and have it recognized?

Or do people not understand that what they are spewing all over the internet is not important… Did Mr. Chatterbox feel like he was adding to my life by talking at me for an hour.. or was he using the talk as a torture tool to get me out of bed, which I gota tell you was unnecessary….. either way a new rule… No talking while I’m still sleeping.  If you get sex then I get peace. Just a few moments away from the constant talking.

So how do I become committed?  How do I stay true to my values and accomplish all of my goals?  My method at the moment isn’t working so I need a new one.  My therapist says I need to schedule in my tasks. Actually put them in my phone and set and alarm to remind me that they are there….. waiting…..okay… I can do that.

For now however I”m going to take a shower and begin again! I’m going to start all over again with a shower! After that I’m going to a concert with my friend and enjoy myself….. fun and fun

maybe get some food! Food would be good

Okay! I’m scheduling in food! and scheduling in commitment!