I am 30 years old… soon to be 31 and I still feel and quite franky act like a 25 year old. How does that feel? How does a 25 year old act you ask? I’m not sure… Like someone who doesn’t have a care in the world. Someone with no responsibilities, no pressing matters. Someone who isn’t supposed to be studying for one of the biggest tests of her life! Yes I’m supposed to be knee deep, no waist deep reproductive physiology and toxicology. I should be stressed and desperately reading notes and reviews and thinking of nothing but my studies. What am I doing? I’m watching Netflix. The adventures of Lois and Clark… remember that lovely show. Only lasted as long as it did because Dean Cane was sooo lovely ….. Terrible writing, terrible plot, terrible acting! but I watch it.. I’m on season 2 now. Would a 30 year old person be doing this? I’m an adult…. I own a home.. I have two dogs and countless other pets (although this could also be a sign of Peter Pan syndrome). Am I trying to sabotage myself? Am I writing this silly thing instead of studying? UG I find I watch these silly shows wishing I could be like the independent strong woman…. Maybe because I watch shows that are also linked to extremely good looking men.. Maybe it’s the love I want to have not the independent strong intelligence held by the heroine in all these stories. Or maybe I’m just procrastinating… which would be the easiest answer.
My Mom was 30 years old when she was pregnant with me.. 31 when she had me. I don’t think I could be responsible for a child… I can’t even keep enough greens for my bunny. I can’t even study for this stupid HUGE test that I need to pass!! Or practice my presentation for tomorrow…
Will I also be a person who flies by the seat of her pants? Never planning/ studying/ organizing…. no hard work? always doing what’s easy… According to my therapist I am not living up to my values. I value intelligence and hard work…. but that’s not what I do…
Ah well maybe I should head back to Lois and Clark. If I’m lucky maybe some of that drive will sink in and I’ll start studying…. Or a gorgeous man in blue tights will show up at my door!
Filed under: Men
On January 1st 2010 at 8 am someone woke me out of a deep sleep. I opened my eyes to 300 lbs of naked male…. Not a pleasant sight! The 300 lbs proceeded to ask if I wanted to have sex with it.. at 8 am… Did I mention I was also suffering from a nasty cold??
As unpleasant as this wake up call was I had to reflex back on my year and really take it as a wake up call. How did I get here? Why would anyone feel this was an acceptable way to wake someone up, someone they wished to con into having sex with them. How did I get into this and how can I NEVER be in this situation again.
300 lbs did make my list of random hook-ups within the last year. I was sad, he was there, obviously not picky. This is where the situation began. I love random kissing! I love everything about kissing. Lips and tongue and arms and noses. Yes noses 
However, my love of random kissing has lead to waking up with the view of 300 lbs of naked.
New plan! Random kissing is to fun to not do. This year I will embark on smart random kissing! Kissing of men that I am attracted to. That is the first part of the plan! The second part of the plan is be very clear about my wants. I want to kiss you. I never want to have sex with you. I want to enjoy this night. I never want to see you again.
Being clear will solve my problems in the future! I hope…
When I re-read this post a year from now I’m going to hope that I’m not shocked at how similar my two years were!!!!
Filed under: Men
1. Politically aware and active…. not too active but VERY aware! He should care about the world issues, about social issues and historical political issues
2. Environmental– He needs to care about what’s happening in the environment. He needs to work towards being more green but not fanatic about it… no bombing, no PETA ,… he should want to save water but not to the point he won’t take showers with me.
3. He needs to appreciate me as I am and not want what I could be!
4. I want him to push me to be a better person because of the way he lives NOT by being pushy.
5. He needs to like the outdoors…. Not be an outdoor nut ( no grizzly Adams) but he should like to hike/camp/backpack even if he hasn’t gone in awhile
6. He must be willing to play in a fountain
7. He should want to do everything and be willing to do anything
8. He needs to not care so much about what others think that he changes himself but he should care enough that he doesn’t want to make people uncomfortable
9. He should stand up for others and stand up for me
10. He should be supportive of my dreams
11. He should be supportive of his dreams
12. He needs to have dreams
13. He needs to understand my references
14. He MUST love animals especially mine!
15. He should be a great huger and a good kisser
16. He needs to be creative in bed and enjoy me in bed…. We need to enjoy each other in bed
17. He needs to get along with my friends
18. He needs to have his own friends and hobbies
19. He needs to have a job he enjoys
20. He needs to be able to love me
I am a strong, intelligent female! This is a true statement that I repeat to myself all the time. Even more so when his little green light goes on. I spent the last year falling in love with someone so very wonderful. He’s smart, well read, up to date on political problem, ecological, so on and so on…… He ended my blissful world of fantasy when in February, 9 months of dating, family holidays, friend meeting, he says he doesn’t love me. and the strong, intelligent woman crumbles. I died. For someone who isn’t that important in the whole scheme of things. Someone who doesn’t love me doesn’t get to count..right. Why is it that months later I replay that scene in my head. I remember how that felt, I get teary eyed. and I compare every man in my vicinity to him.
I hate that men effect me so…. I have now fallen back into naughty phone calls with an ex. We have made it quite clear that this is only for sex, no boyfriend/girlfriend silliness. Which works out just fine… until I remember him… how I felt…how I feel. Not that my Marine and I can really be anything… we’d kill each other..but I want that feeling, that high of loving someone. Floating out of their house in the morning after rolling out of bed with the most glorious person you’ve ever met and knowing you’ll see them again and again… that is until they revel that they don’t love you… and never have….
Ug and I should be focused on Multivariate regression, estrogen in Sertoli cells and well to be quite honest finishing up alligator hormone work… but no.. he lingers. Tugging at my brain stem when I ride the bike that he got me… He’s pointing out Obama signs and mocking McCain… he’s there always. and I hate it!
So I’m writing.. because I’m sitting in the UC Davis Library waiting for my second hour of Multivariate stats today and crying… I’m crying! SO I sit and write.. to the void… to whoever reads this ( my darling friends) so that I can get a grasp on my pathetic behavior.
My bike fell of my car today… actually the whole bike rack fell off my car today. I picked it up and fixed it! I fixed it… put the chains back on and everything… this may not be an accomplishment for most but it was for me…. The wheels need to be trued??? so I’m taking it to my local bike shop to see if they can help.. all the Davis bike places are busy due to the bike auction this weekend. People buy crappy bikes and flood the bike shops to make them work.
All will be well… I get over these things..I have in the past ( usually after much emotion)…..
I just wish to be done with it all now! So I listen to Abba and type my woe.
