PhD student with equity

I am a strong, intelligent female!  This is a true statement that I repeat to myself all the time.  Even more so when his little green light goes on.  I spent the last year falling in love with someone so very wonderful.  He’s smart, well read, up to date on political problem, ecological, so on and so on……  He ended my blissful world of fantasy when in February, 9 months of dating, family holidays, friend meeting,  he says he doesn’t love me.  and the strong, intelligent woman crumbles.  I died.  For someone who isn’t that important in the whole scheme of things.  Someone who doesn’t love me doesn’t get to count..right.  Why is it that months later I replay that scene in my head.  I remember how that felt, I get teary eyed.  and I compare every man in my vicinity to him.

I hate that men effect me so….  I have now fallen back into naughty phone calls with an ex.  We have made it quite clear that this is only for sex, no boyfriend/girlfriend silliness.  Which works out just fine… until I remember him… how I felt…how I feel. Not that my Marine and I can really be anything… we’d kill each other..but I want that feeling, that high of loving someone.  Floating out of their house in the morning after rolling out of bed with the most glorious person you’ve ever met and knowing you’ll see them again and again… that is until they revel that they don’t love you… and never have….

Ug and I should be focused on Multivariate regression, estrogen in Sertoli cells and well to be quite honest finishing up alligator hormone work… but no.. he lingers.  Tugging at my brain stem when I ride the bike that he got me… He’s pointing out Obama signs and mocking McCain… he’s there always.  and I hate it!

So I’m writing.. because I’m sitting in the UC Davis Library waiting for my second hour of Multivariate stats today and crying… I’m crying!  SO I sit and write.. to the void… to whoever reads this ( my darling friends)  so that I can get a grasp on my pathetic behavior.

My bike fell of my car today… actually the whole bike rack fell off my car today.  I picked it up and fixed it! I fixed it… put the chains back on and everything… this may not be an accomplishment for most but it was for me….  The wheels need to be trued??? so I’m taking it to my local bike shop to see if they can help.. all the Davis bike places are busy due to the bike auction this weekend.  People buy crappy bikes and flood the bike shops to make them work.

All will be well… I get over these things..I have in the past ( usually after much emotion)…..

I just wish to be done with it all now!   So I listen to Abba and type my woe.